At times I am so grateful for the memories I hold in my mind
of better times in places where I had real friends of a life
time, day after day I sleep walk making pleasantries
with colleagues at work or neighbors on my street
who I have not really known for going on two
decades now and I wonder if people
think this passes for life
if people actually
think this is all
there is and
as good as
it gets
I used
to think
it was only
New York City
but here too
I see strangers
people I do not know
at all like in our neighborhood
supermarket, only the people behind
the registers are familiar faces, it amazes
me that the customers are always different
who are all these people, where have they all
come from, where are they all going and surely
there must be more to life than working and consumer
spending and trading debt for cheaper loans, are we all clones
it amazes me that I never hear from relatives and they apparently
feel no need to know me any more, is it a failing on my part that we
have drifted apart or are they so happy with their lives that they have
no need of anyone outside their little worlds, I wonder who are their friends
and do they never grow tired of them, all my travels, tales, languages, education
has been traded for a life in isolation, I am already leading a monastic life, I read
that the elderly want sex as much as the young do but have no partners no wonder
people go postal here all the time with their freedom to buy guns, I have never felt
so alone as when I am in a crowd OMG do you think I need therapy or drugs because
I am not a born again, because I am not happy, happy, happy and don’t
follow professional sports or care enough about cars or work out
enough at the gym, I worked out for ten years with a group
of men my own age in a martial arts Dojo and then one day
instead they just started meeting at the sensei’s house
and never invited me and here I thought they were my
friends, I will never get it, I will never fit in,
I will never be accepted, I have been trying
to “adjust” to this way of life for going
on thirty four years now and it ain’t
going to happen, it only seems to
get worse, it is a curse
to be a repatriated

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